I’m finally back. I took a couple weeks to wander the high desert on a bunch of herbal ecstasy pills that I bought at 7-11. No horse, very little water, a complete experience.

I did manage to find the above image at a cosmetic store though.

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Since I couldn’t make it the opening of PhotoNY, I took the cheap, free, and easy method of communicating with visitors and gallery passersby via iChat live video conferencing.

The evening started off rather slow, but as more people starting pouring in and more booze was being consumed, my iChat visit became a bit of a novelty and meeting place.

One guy took his pants off for me, another showed me a project he was working on where he took pictures of what he ate and then took a picture of his bowel movement (I’m glad he carries those photos everywhere), someone tried selling me a Hungarian woman for a wife, another gentleman congratulated me on my success, some gave me lectures on fashion, a couple ladies sang a love song for me, hundreds of pictures and notes were drawn on both sides, several people stopped by to give me long distance toasts and some felt compelled to blow me kisses, even the catering company employees had to see what this was all about.

I guess it was the next best thing to actually being there. Maybe I can start making virtual appearances at other gallery openings… mmmmmm???

There I am at the top all set-up for this 4 hour extravaganza; my work displayed is below, and a selection of visitors follows.

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Caber Kill Nessy

please click here for a printable version of he above drawing

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Today history will be rewritten!!

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE SHORT AND SWEET VIDEO OF ME PUTTING MYSELF ON THE LINE TO PROVE HISTORY INCORRECT!

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE FULL VIDEO OF ME PUTTING MYSELF ON THE LINE TO PROVE HISTORY INCORRECT!

(the video is a bit large, so please have patience while it loads; organize things around you, make calls you’ve been meaning to make, cheer on a passerby, reenact a scene from Hamlet – whatever you do, you must see this.)

Thank you to my correspondant in the field Barrett Worland and the valiant Hak Lonh for shooting in such dangerous conditions.

history

CLICK HERE TO WATCH A POINTLESS VIDEO THAT STARS A BROKEN CERAMIC FROG, A PLASTIC ALBINO ALLIGATOR, PART OF AN OVEN MIT, AND THREE GROWN MEN HIDING BEHIND TWO WASHING MACHINES.

Thanks for tuning in.

Upcoming: I will soon attempt what no human has attempted before – float an ice cream sandwich across LA.

Any hot tips on finding a place that’ll deep freeze things?

creepy

I went to the Los Angeles River with Kelly the other day. A very bleak place; we entered right off of Firestone Drive, the company responsible for mobilizing LA with the help of John Paul Getty’s money. We walked alongside a machine shop and then across an abandoned railway onto a trestle bridge.

Kelly was there to shoot a documentary on wildlife in the LA River – I was along for support and to finally take a close look at the river, if you can even call it that. Flanked by concrete and dirt walls and kept to a narrow channel in the middle where it was occasionally allowed to fan out in smaller pools, the river fascinatingly flowed rather quickly.

I took a few pictures and noticed, amongst the other debris, a few shopping carts in the river. Upon closer inspection, you could see that the shopping carts had tossed and turned and finally found their final resting positions and somehow managed to form an island behind them, downstream.

Well, Los Angeles, never misses an opportunity to capitalize on something great so I figured why not sell these islands to companies so they can advertise on them. There are a handful of people who walk along the river that would most definitely appreciate these priceless advertisements.

I really don’t think I’ll have any problem convincing companies to buy an island that would serve as an semi-permanent advertising Mecca on the LA river for an extremely marginal cost; the real challenge will be getting out there and wading my across to put up the advertisement. The bottom of the river is slippery with algae and the current is fairly swift.

I’ve devised a full-proof method for which one can stake claim on these islands – pictured below and only executed in the event that someone actually buys one of these precious islands.

I would have two poles, not necessarily as tall as the pictured ones, one on each side of the river with a taught cable connecting them at the top. Each pole would be weighted down and manned so it wouldn’t tip over. I would have another cable attached to a belt which I would wear and then attach the other side to the main cable so it could move across the river and hold me into place in the event of a rogue wave, flash flood, a tragic slip, and just for all around safety. And another cable (not pictured) would be connected to my belt and would be given to one of the people at the pole stations, so they could pull me into shore in the case of an emergency.

Once harnessed in and decked out in full wader gear, I would make my across to the shopping cart island with the company’s advertisement in hand. The advertisement would be made entirely out of wood, say a wood burned advertisement on a wooden post for example, or the sign could be made of sheet metal attached to a wooden post.

When I reach the island I would bury the post in the soft silt and island’s plant life. To secure it, I would tie the post to the cart and have some sort of bottom weight. Once the company advertisement is secure and set on the most visible side of the island, I would make my way back to shore.

And whalah, another opportunity seized.

If you own your own business or run the advertising/ marketing section of a company and want to seize this incredible opportunity, please pick up the phone and dial 5-1-0-8-7-2-7-3-2-6. Price will be determined on the size of your company and the nature of the advertisement.

Operator standing by.

island

I have some handmade zines in the Affordable Art Fair in NYC this weekend – you can visit their website at www.aafnyc.com or visit the fair at Pier 92, between 52nd & 12th Ave. I’m showing with the famed Yoo Projects again. Enjoy!

p.s. has anyone ever made a lifesize customized cardboard cutout before, say, of themselves or a loved one? Any recommendations on where to go and how much to spend?

art

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE WHOLE THING UNFOLD – VIDEOTIME!

My roommate Barrett and I were in the middle of developing a few new skits for an upcoming comedy performance when there was a sudden knock on the door.

“Hello?”

Nobody really comes by, it’s just not like that in these parts, especially a stranger.

It turns out it was a couple of realtors interested in neighborhood folks who want to sell their house. We invited them in. According to some rule somewhere, you’re never supposed to invite stranger-realtors into your house, they’ll never leave, but we had no problem hastening their exit.

We all know everyone is an actor in Hollywood, so I asked them if they would like to participate in a few scenes – they of course accepted. After a few warm up skits, they loosened up a bit and were good and ready for my seminar.

Through a quick game of something that resembled pictionary, I tried convincing them that it would be a fantastic idea to put a golf course in a cemetery to raise money for the deceased’s families and the greens keeper. Or it could just be a way to get your mind off of things while visiting the cemetery. Really, it would be a seamless integration, you wouldn’t even have to move any of the tombstones; in fact, fresh graves could be used as holes.

They declined my invitation to a game on Monday, but I’m going to give em a call to see if they REALLY meant that.

Tune in this following week to see if the realtors accept the challenge!!!

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE WHOLE THING UNFOLD – VIDEOTIME!

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