A fitting gift for any good agent!
Another wonderful invention brought to you by yours truly. When I had it made, I wanted six “really” in the thing, but it got to be too long.
[tags]hollywood agent marc horowitz gift ideas[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 28th, 2007. Comment. 
I had a very teensee weensee cup of the brown water last night around 10pm. Not cool – I was jamming in my head and listening to old Daft Punk until 3 in the morning. I almost started up the first cd I ever bought “She drives me crazy, ew , eww… Like no one else… ewww… eww.. She drives me crazy, And I can’t help myself… eww,ewww.” Not good.
I did finish up my essay on taking a quantum leap into the future to save the horses from eating the ice cream though! more to come on this in a bit.
[tags]coffee late night marc horowitz horses quantum leap fine young canibals ice cream daft punk[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 27th, 2007. Comment.
I went to the Getty Museum in LA over the weekend and saw this painting. I’ve seen it before in books and magazines, but I never really had the chance of looking at it so closely. What is she seated on? Is this the first exercise ball in history or is it merely a huge (mythical) fart bubble? or both?
And why can’t we see the man’s leg through the unbreakable mythical exercise fart bubble thingy? Do men’s legs disappear in those sort of things? This could be the answer to the world’s pollution problems or time travel or getting rich quick.
You be the judge.
[tags]marc horowitz getty museum mythical fart bubble exercise ball thingy[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 26th, 2007. 5 Comments.
I met Zach while shopping for trauma beans. He’s a nice man. Zach will write for ineedtostopsoon dot com every Wednesday from this day forth. Take it away…
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Oprah, Thou Maketh God So Horny
By Zach Ayers
Don’t be alarmed, Oprah Winfrey. This is a divine vision and I bring you tidings of great joy. I am your lord God and I seriously want to make out all over you. We should totally kick it at my pad. I got some Remy Martin and this oversized soaking tub here and the cable guy totally hooked me up with free Cinemax. Ooooh girl, we’d totally jiggy it…up?
Christ, Oprah, that’s not me. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. I may be omnipotent, but I am powerless to your beauty. For real. Sigh…I don’t even know how to do this thing called love. I know you can’t say anything right now, and that’s fine. For years I’ve just been watching you sleep, watching you shower, watching you peel bananas…you’re intimidating, do you know that? Of course you do. I feel like you’ve always had men pining for you. All I can say is that I am God and that has to count for something. I do have a lot to offer.
First, I’m a nice guy. You know sunsets? That was my idea. I’m not the mean guy people say I am. I really enjoy the human race. They’re good people and I do everything I can to help them out. Though I will admit that I dropped the ball with Hitler. I really thought that he was just being sarcastic. And I couldn’t even understand what Mao was talking about. When do I have the time to learn Chinese? Ugh…you don’t even understand. Freud tells me that I am purposely neglectful because I never knew my mother. I don’t know. I’m really trying to be nicer. The hypnotherapy helps.
Also, I’ve got a good sense of humor. My late night talk show up here in Heaven did pretty well. I mean, I couldn’t beat Genghis Kahn’s cooking program for ratings, but my demographics for 16th to 18th century are way better. I wish you could have seen the monologue I did about evolution. It was something like, “So if I created Man in my own image and Charles Darwin thinks Man came from monkeys, than that must mean I used to be a monkey! Just thinking about it makes me go ape shit!” Holy hell, everyone was roaring. I tried to get Darwin on the show the next night, but there were apparently some scheduling conflicts. I just wanted to show that there were no hard feelings. It’s hard to shed this “Angry God” persona that humans pin on me. If only they knew that I bought the “Friends” box set the day it came out. And wow did I cry when you gave that helpless lymphoma kid a dog! I want you to know the real me, Oprah.
Lastly, I’m a demon in the sack. I’m not kidding. I mean, I created the vagina. Don’t even think I don’t know where that “G” spot is, because I totally know…Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t know where the “G” spot is. Why do I feel like I need to lie to you, Oprah? We have to be honest with each other. I’m just going to say it – I’m a virgin. I’ve never told anyone that. I feel stupid. It took me, seriously, five millennia to realize that I actually could have sex. By that point I had talked such a big game to Thomas Jefferson that I couldn’t just…you know. It’s my fault. I built myself up. I can’t even watch that Steve Carrel movie, even though that Hindu Elephant God (I’m so bad with names!) says it’s a riot. I hope this isn’t intimidating. Damn, I probably scared you away. I don’t know. I just think that you’d be gentle. And I really want you to be the first. I’ve seen you in bed with Stedman and I even watched during that tryst you had with Roger Ebert, but it honestly doesn’t bother me. It’s not like I killed their mothers solely because of that. Does this virgin thing bother you? I kind of hope it makes you want me more. I’ll admit that I masturbated once way back when, but Thor walked in on me and it was totally awkward and I’ve just felt so guilty about it since then. I’m really, really horny, Oprah. Fuck, I’m horny.
Am I rambling? I feel like I’m rambling.
Anywho, I should probably wrap this up. I know you have things to do, and so do I. I’ve been dodging the Dali Lama’s calls for months and I should probably get to that. I just don’t have the motivation to work anymore. I think I just need something to come home to other than my unicorn. It’d be really great if you died tomorrow and showed up at my doorstep. I could stage something really cool, like a bolt of lightning or a cheetah attack. Would you do that for your God? I’m just going to leave this note on your bedside. Let me know your answer by just circling “yes” or “no.”
[tags]trauma beans oprah winfrey god dali lama zach ayers[/tags]
Filed under 034 Zach Ayers, intss blog by on Mar 21st, 2007. 9 Comments.
I was just wondering and I can’t quite figure it out… Does the voice in my head sound like my speaking voice? Or do I hear a more masculine authoritative voice in my head while my speaking voice is a weaker version? Is that why when I hear my voice on tape it sounds so high and squeaky? It’s not the tape is it?
How can I speak with the voice in my head’s voice? Am I falling in love with the voice in my head? I want to meet the voice in my head. I want my wimpy speaking voice to meet the manly voice in my head, maybe it will learn a thing or two…
[tags]voice head going crazy[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 20th, 2007. 4 Comments.
Enter to win! What is the man on the right of xacto-man-model saying?
Leave your entry in the comments section of this post. Good luck!
Winner receives some stuff and and an e-card.
[tags]xacto man model contest win winner ecard[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 20th, 2007. 6 Comments.
I went to Ron Jeremy’s birthday party in Hollywood this past weekend. The paparazzi thought I was Jon Heder and ushered me on the red carpet. I thought it was funny and went along with it.
I mean come on… Jon Heder… really? I think I look more like Charles Manson in the 60’s at Aspen for a weekend of skiing, hot tubbing and wife swapping. But OKay.
The paprazzi did a great job and posted some images and video from the event to wireimage, a celebrity image page. (3/20 – wireimage changed the caption to read my name now instead of Jon Heder’s – so clever). Here’s a sample:
The mayhem.
And here is the hedgehog himself, 3 feet away from me. Incredible.
some “crazy” paparazzi hired by Major Asshole
I think I should do myself up to look like Mickey Rourke or Ted Koppel next time. But maybe you should try that and tell me how it goes.
the somewhat lovely defamer blog picked up on this story – read it here
(Hollywood scares me)
3/22 – look, I’m inspiring! – one man’s story. I should start speaking at high schools around the country!
3/23 – The Ron Jeremy stunt made the showbiz show on comedy central (i really don’t like that show at all) – check it the showbiz show clip
[tags]marc horowitz paparazzi ron jeremy jon heder mickey rourke ted koppel wireimage.com major asshole charles manson brendan donnelly is a genius stoopid hollywood coolio defamer comedy central david spade showbiz show[/tags]
Filed under Everything Else, intss blog by on Mar 16th, 2007. 7 Comments.
you can do this too. The fart has obviously been released from this bag and caused much damage. Make one and carry it with you. Release it in your absolute darkest moment.
Do it!
warning: most people WILL be disgusted at your efforts and you may loose friends.
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 15th, 2007. Comment.
It is about that time of the year again when I ask you what you think of this site? What works, what doesn’t, too much here, too much there? What do you want to see more of, less of, none of?
Let me know what’s on your mind. You may get a lovely gift for your generous time.
Either post your comments in the comment section of this post, or send them to me at marc at ineedtostopsoon dot com.
thank you.
Filed under Everything Else, intss blog by on Mar 15th, 2007. 2 Comments.
