I had a dream the other day that I was driving through a tunnel and my car got stuck in it. So I ran down the hill to try and find help. None found. So I ran back up the hill. Suddenly I was decked out in sweat runner’s gear and the hill became something totally different than the one I ran down. It looked like the lush green hills of Whales. There were tons of people around and I began climbing this strange brick wall to get to this orchard-like spot where everyone was headed. I asked these two guys, that looked like Irish plumbers, what the big deal was all about. They said there was a big party at the mansion up top. okay.

I followed them. They said they had to make a quick detour and ran off behind this broken down brick wall. I carefully, quietly followed them and peeked around the wall. The two guys jumped into this huge bubbling pit of mud and then quickly were shot out as mud people. Then one of them jumped backwards and midair he began to grow in size. Eventually he splattered against the side of a dilapited brick building and totally melded with it. Now he was this gigantic brick creature and he jumped down to the ground and started walking toward me. As he did, he began to transform into a normal-sized transvestite. (s)He escorted me into the party which was full of playboys, beautiful people, Hollywood agents – 1930’s Los Angeles glamor style. I was taken around to all these different rooms by my new friend, but all I could think about was if my stuck car was ok. That’s all I can remember.

I tried looking this up on one of those dream interpretation sites, but I couldn’t find mud person transvestite. If you have any ideas, please let me know.

Regardless, this was way better than any Harry Potter movie.

[tags]mud people dream transvestite harry potter 1930s los angeles hollywood[/tags]

I’m in San Francisco at the moment enjoying high places, so I will leave you with my emergency top secret post. An excerpt from my new book scheduled to come out this summer – “Butts in Museums.” Here’s a peek, don’t get too excited:

1) I was taking pictures of clouds Tuesday while exiting the 101, some guy started honking at me. I politely pulled over and flipped him off. He reversed his car, blocked mine in, got out, first tried to get into my car, couldn’t, then started punching my passenger side window. Moral: Don’t take pictures while driving. New TV show on PBS: From Clouds to Road Rage: America in the Crosshairs. New TV show on SPIKE: Crazy Best of Moments of LA Roadrage. Here is a pic of the clouds and a pic of the guy after he got done assaulting my car.

2) I put off my taxes for yet another week.
3) REALLY quit smoking – it’s been 11 days today
4) I had a dream about three talking logs that just floated in space. One of them was blinking from the inside like ET’s finger.
5) I can’t stop plucking my beard hairs – I’ve picked out an entire patch leaving it bald – it looks so stupid now.
6) I think Miami Dolphins should change their name to the Miami Caviars; Dolphins are so last year.
7) I came across a banana peel hanging from a tree; it was epic.

8) I have thousands of gnats in my apartment cause I over-water my plants. I tried baiting them into a jar of vinegar but I think my gnats have evolved and become much smarter than that.
9) I was approached for change 3 times.
10) Invented a new housing solution – Hovercraft Homes. We have all this air space, why not have homes hovering over other homes?
11) Threw out my 5 year expired aspirin.
12) Saw two men in sombreros jumping rope.
13) Almost bought the domain hella.tv
14) Finally got good enough at Guitar Hero to play on medium level.
15) I tried levitating things again – this is not as easy as they make it look.
16) Wondered why there isn’t an all-Jewish cellphone company, then realized that Jews are too neurotic to put electronics together.
17) Hid $20 in my apartment and I’m trying to forget where I hid it.
18) Thought of some top-secret plans for Michael Winslow.
19) What would happen if dairy-free guy met wrinkle-free man?
20) Listened to my fair share of bullshit.
21) Looked up a “Ron Pearl” in the phone book and gave him a call – it turned out to be quite awkward.
22) Contemplated taking Ritalin for a brief moment.
23) I’m going to skip this.
24) Thought several times to myself over the course of the week – “They used to make them better.”
25) Listened to my fair share of Daft Punk.
26) Drank 7 beers.
27) Bought my mom a gift.
28) Spilled a bunch of water on my hardwood floor and left it there.
29) Entered 92 different doorways (this was painful to keep track of).
30) Lost at the California lottery.
31) Bought my first book on tape.
32) Realized we DO need more robots.
33) Learned about someone’s secret passcode – “heybaby.”
34) I’d like to take this line to thank you for welcoming me into your circle.
35) Neat
36) Heard a story about a friend who wiped his ass on a date’s shower curtain because there was no toilet paper.
37) Finally broke down and went to buy Polo Cologne. They were out. So sad.
38) Heard a story about someone’s house getting really robbed, but the burglars left a sheet of acid wrapped in tin foil in the freezer.
39) Saw an incredible movie – “The Host” – Go see it!!!
40) Saw a not-so-incredible movie – “Idiocracy” – Don’t go see it!!!
41) Made a vow to myself and broke it.
42) Got a portable DVD player so I can watch movies from the shower.
43) Joined all my hard drives together for the first time ever. All those fans and weird computer noises – so powerful!
44) Put too much moisturizer on my hands and now they are all prune-like and it won’t go away.
45) Baghdad – such a mess!
46) Happened upon the scene of a stabbing. Who stabs people anymore!?!?
47) Had a dream last night that I traveled back in time to San Francisco 1981 punk scene. While there, I got a call on my cell phone? It was my friend Joe, he was there too. I couldn’t get over the fact that our cell phones worked in 1981 with no cell phone towers. A major breakthrough folks!
48) I saw this guy at an art opening. I’ve always wondered about people that take their parrots out in public. They always have poop on the back of their shirt and don’t really care – that’s just strange.

49) Went to the arcade and interviewed a bunch of kids that play Mortal Kombat.

50) Bought some of these T.G.I. Friday’s Bacon and Cheddar potato skins and ate them with cinnamon toast crunch cereal. Note: NOT a good combination.

I finally broke my streak of not finding squid ink pasta last night – I ordered the biggest bowl they had!

While slurping away, it came very clear to me that this is exactly how Hermann Rorschach came up with his famous ink blot test.

What do you see (leave your answers in the comments section – my answers are below):

I

II

III

my answers:
I. I saw several things in this. The first was a diamond ring; then after studying it a bit more and flipping it upside down (which you can do by simply turning your monitor upside down) I saw what looked like an owl-moose creature with a neck beard and ascot and a crown floating above its head supported by a series of magnets.
II. A seahorse battling with a clipart arm
III. What the perimeter of my butthole probably looked like today after I pooped. My shit was jetblack!

[tags]squid ink pasta shit Hermann Rorschach neck beard black poop seahorse warshack[/tags]

A fitting gift for any good agent!

Another wonderful invention brought to you by yours truly. When I had it made, I wanted six “really” in the thing, but it got to be too long.

[tags]hollywood agent marc horowitz gift ideas[/tags]

I had a very teensee weensee cup of the brown water last night around 10pm. Not cool – I was jamming in my head and listening to old Daft Punk until 3 in the morning. I almost started up the first cd I ever bought “She drives me crazy, ew , eww… Like no one else… ewww… eww.. She drives me crazy, And I can’t help myself… eww,ewww.” Not good.

I did finish up my essay on taking a quantum leap into the future to save the horses from eating the ice cream though! more to come on this in a bit.

[tags]coffee late night marc horowitz horses quantum leap fine young canibals ice cream daft punk[/tags]

I went to the Getty Museum in LA over the weekend and saw this painting. I’ve seen it before in books and magazines, but I never really had the chance of looking at it so closely. What is she seated on? Is this the first exercise ball in history or is it merely a huge (mythical) fart bubble? or both?

And why can’t we see the man’s leg through the unbreakable mythical exercise fart bubble thingy? Do men’s legs disappear in those sort of things? This could be the answer to the world’s pollution problems or time travel or getting rich quick.

You be the judge.

[tags]marc horowitz getty museum mythical fart bubble exercise ball thingy[/tags]

I was just wondering and I can’t quite figure it out… Does the voice in my head sound like my speaking voice? Or do I hear a more masculine authoritative voice in my head while my speaking voice is a weaker version? Is that why when I hear my voice on tape it sounds so high and squeaky? It’s not the tape is it?

How can I speak with the voice in my head’s voice? Am I falling in love with the voice in my head? I want to meet the voice in my head. I want my wimpy speaking voice to meet the manly voice in my head, maybe it will learn a thing or two…

[tags]voice head going crazy[/tags]

Enter to win! What is the man on the right of xacto-man-model saying?

Leave your entry in the comments section of this post. Good luck!

Winner receives some stuff and and an e-card.

[tags]xacto man model contest win winner ecard[/tags]