Djerassi – Day 12: ping pong and the answers to life

It’ll just be a quick trip into town to get a few things. Right. It’s never that easy. It was like letting a kid run free in a candy store. As soon as I saw civilization, I morphed into an ugly creature – an impulse buyer with a head full of ideas.

Instead of returning to my temporary utopic woodsy residence with what I had set out for – a ping-pong set – I imported the following:

* A Styrofoam airplane
* A Frisbee
* 2 bottles of shaving cream
* 2 snorkel sets
* 2 5lb bags of bleached flour
* A gigantic sharpie
* 8 pieces of poster board
* 12 pink balloons
* 2 12-packs of beer
* And of course my new ping-pong set which included: 4 paddles, 1 clip-on net, and 3 semi-professional balls.

My reasoning (in no particular order):

2 Snorkel Sets

I had a flash to dig a hole just big enough to fit me in it. Then I would climb into it and scoop the dirt back in, covering my entire body all the way to the very top of my head. I would breathe using a snorkel. Perfect.

However fun that sounds, my fellow artist friends talked me out of it by saying I’d suffocate myself in the process. I really don’t think that would happen, but with all of that dirt pressing against my chest cavity, I really may not be able to take a breath. Foiled.

Not yet. It looks as if I’ll have to cheat. I’ll just bury the snorkel so it gives an optical illusion that I’m really down below. And when the rest of the group sees me walking around, I’ll just have to convince them that I’m Marc’s stunt double.

Easier said than done. Stunt doubles rarely look identical, so pulling that one off may be a bit tricky. Maybe I’ll fashion myself a nice scar on my face to throw em off.

2 cans of shaving cream

While out and about, it occurred to me that I’ve never covered my whole head in shaving cream. What do you do once you have it on?

Do you go for a quick jog? Try to scare passers-by? Sit around and have bugs land in it? Have a high-powered fan blow it off?

Plane and Frisbee

The plane is target practice for the Frisbee. Throw the plane up and try to hit it with the Frisbee. Come on – it’s much more fun than it sounds.

2 5lb bags of bleached flour

See 4_27_05 post.

2 12-packs of beer

To drink.

Gigantic Sharpie, poster board, and 12 pink balloons

I plan on venturing to the nearby town of Sky Londa and setting up a “Free Advice” service. The most likely spot is the famed Alice’s restaurant where everyone around here hangs out. Alice’s a damn good burger and the only wireless internet for probably 50 miles in all four directions.

In an effort to advertise my service, I’m going to make a few signs using the marker and poster board. I’ll attach them to sign posts and trees a few miles out in each direction. “Free Advice Ahead.” “Free Advice at Alice’s.”

The balloons are to draw attention to the signs. I’ve got it all worked out.

Once at the restaurant, I’ll place my “free advice” sign in a very visible location on my table and wait. With the internet super highway at my fingertips and a few cups of coffee, I’ll be delivering the best advice around.

I will also ask other for their free advice. You can’t look everything up on the internet.

The ping-pong set

And the ping-pong set is to forever change my life…

Already my backhand has dramatically improved and my serve is quick. With lightning fast reflexes and the agility of plastic man, I’ve quickly climbed the ranks and have become the (almost) undefeated champion around these parts.

After playing for eight hours in a row, I’m officially obsessed with the sport.

Now I’m considering towing a ping-pong table behind my RV for the rest of the Dinner Tour. I would station it in mall parking lots and challenge unsuspecting consumers who park near me. Could you imagine?

I think I’m ready for the $ 45 paddle.

p.s. All of these quiet isolating nights up here are making me nervous. Right now I’m having fears that a giant moth is going to come into my studio and take me away.