Just one of those yearning food product questions we all must have

So I bought a bag of Baked Doritos today. They claim they are “Naturally Baked” – what the f**k does that mean. So I called (1-800-352-4477) and found out.

Amazingly they picked up the phone in under a minute.

“Yes, hello, I bought a bag of ‘Naturally Baked Doritos’ today, and I’m wondering how something can be naturally baked as opposed to being unnaturally baked,” I asked.

Anna in consumer affairs said this was an “excellent question,” and then there was a slight pause as I heard her fingertips frantically hitting a keyboard. “Ah, ‘Naturally Baked’ refers to the fact that the chip is baked and not fried in bad oils. It is baked in more of a convection oven, baked with air as opposed to direct heat, which provides a crisp light texture,” she claimed, probably without even blinking.

Okay that was too easy, so I asked her who invented the Dorito chip. This elicited a much longer pause with no talking and much more keyboard-finger-tapping. “Yes, who invented the Dorito,” she said, “this took place a long time ago in 1966 and was probably developed by Frito Lay’s research and development team.”

That was sort of anti-climactic. I wanted to hear names and get the full story. I wanted dirt on the person that came up with the idea. I wanted “Yes, well actually, Tina Witherspoon came up with the idea for the Dorito in 1966 after a long trip to India and several serious acid dropping sessions at Frito Lay’s office parties. Once the product went to production in 1967, she moved back in with her parents in Blaine, Minnesota and became a health freak. She is currently living off the royalties and recently racked up a DUI and has spent the last 3 months in jail for causing a scene at a 7-11, where she tackled a ‘Naturally Baked Doritos’ display case and popped every last bag of chips claiming that Doritos are the devil’s food. Tina is a real mess now, but at least she’s rich. Any more questions sir?”

Okay, I thought I’d pull fast one, so I asked Anna, “How many cases of mouth cuts caused by eating Doritos are reported each year?” This time there was no silence, no tapping, just a straight answer, “ Sir, I don’t have access to that type of information.”

I thanked her and she replied by asking me for my zip code.

My quest was done – ‘Naturally Baked’ means not fried but air cooked. That answer still doesn’t really sit well with me. Maybe they use natural gas in the powering their convection ovens?

Do you have any burning questions about food products? I’ll do the research and call, just let me know.

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Julia Leonard of San Francisco asked about Orangina – it claims to have 12% real juice and 2% pulp – is the 2% pulp part of the 12% juice? Mmmmmmmmmm… tune in Monday.

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p.s. These Naturally Baked Doritos are causing quite a stir. This guy has devoted a whole site to his unrequited love for the product – http://visit.bakeddoritos.com/